The Leader is so smart, he wouldn't even need a calculator to do his own tax return. But he still opts for the friendly folks at H&R Block.

Butterflies: Nature's Assholes.

Everyone does it, super villains and women included.

Insert joke involving the word "pecker" here!!

Let's just assume the muffin is on his head...

To those of you who've hung in there, my thanks! Now tell the others that I'm back...in black, or something.

Plague!!

Well, your royal highness has finally paid the price for his constant refusal to update his anti-virus software and as a result his ability to update regularly is all but gone (but damn it, I don't have a lot of ducats!) So until my alchemists have figured out how to restore my gilded information box, there's not really going to be many updates. Hopefully they'll have things figured out soon enough. Rest assured though, your lord of wax is dilligently working on new creations to keep you entertained at work while the kingdom suffers through this crisis. Stay strong, my masses.

King of Crayons

Everyone thought having a wizard in the gang was a great idea, but Garnoff's "gun out of nowhere" spell was too slow for the Blood's mac 10's.

(Applause)

I love it when animals get amorphous hooves that can form fingers. I bet it's a lot harder to clean teeth with a block of keratin for a hand.

I don't think I've made things NSFW enough around here as of late. Blam!

Sarah McLachlan and David Duchovny have agreed to three rounds of bare knuckle boxing. Winner gets to keep this thing.

In a misguided effort to find a healthier alternative to cookies, things took a turn for the grisly.

The blue ranger does card tricks, yellow is master of the singing saw, and the black ranger...well, that's kinda racist.

They all thought Safety Helmet Bear was a fool. Had they not skinned him for the handsome rug by the hearth, he'd be laughing his ass off.

Of course, the cowboy will have to overcome his hemorrhoid flare up if he wishes to enjoy this red snapper.

And then came the great fire, and prom was canceled...permanently.

This squirrel is legally obligated to go tree to tree, letting neighbors know it's a fiend.

What's more bizarre? The concept of numbers gone wild, or the fact these alligators need boats?

Thanks to all the loyal subjects who helped with the great scanner hunt. Now, reap yer rewards!!

A Lordly Challenge.

Dear Subjects,

Guide me to a modestly-priced scanner/printer located in the realm of internet and I shall reward ye with...pictures. Beautiful pictures, each one more silly than the last. But I'm looking for PEASANT prices here people. Pauper even. I'm not the lavish kind of king, the crown's made of plastic for chrissake.

XOXO
King of Crayons

A friend once said that the same area of the brain that recognizes violence is also the same part that recognizes humor. He's dead now.

Speaking of immaturity...

A less mature, third grade King of Crayons would have went for a "crabs" joke. I miss that 'lil guy sometimes.

Also, was anyone at Gen Con this weekend? Several people have suggested I should have attended as the King as opposed to a "steampunk" Ghostbuster. I like Ghostbusters.

"What's up Doc?" "Huh? I'm not a doctor." "What?" "I'm gonna eat the fuck outta those carrots."

I, for one, am glad they're gender-less.

His skeleton is really a creation of satan, placed here to test our faith. I guess the rest of him is real enough alright.

I dunno, enjoying a beautiful summer's afternoon in the company of friends? Seems like a good way to die to me.

Ancient man was known to craft tools from wood. This wrench was made for 1/4 wooden hex nuts. No wonder ancient cars were always breaking down.

Evil will (almost) never see them coming!!

This is only the begining...

Stats say thousands of bear cubs are exposed to hardcore bear pornography yearly. I'm talking picnic basket insertions and amateur bee jobs. It's sad.

People forget he also shoots real arrows. Real arrows that actually rend flesh and break bone...and have those hooks that flip out once they're in.

While the placenta was worth a king's ransom in Pirate-Times-World, the umbilical cord was also known to fetch quite a few ducats. No joke.

Good Lord!

It appears as though your lofty lord has forgotten to let his subjects know that he is currently vacationing in a far-off land. I shall return the 6th, with all-new content. I hope to see you then!

XOXO
King-o-Crayons

The really sad part is now he works as the fry cook at McDonalds.

World's Finest. . .Douchebags.

I got to use my neon crayons and all you got was this lousy picture. What a lousy t-shirt.

Prior safe words include: Happiness, sunshine, rainbow, kittens, world peace, and Richard Dean Anderson.

Back then, they didn't have the portable nuclear accelerators we have today. This more cumbersome corn-powered model had to do.

In the age-old "Pirates vs. Ninjas" feud, I prefer the independent third party: "Vikings."

I mean, who the hell gives a cat to an emotionally disturbed bear in the first place?

He also cured the book's numb back cover by simply having it talk its problems out with him. I think he called the process "Reading."

A whole book of gorillas, and not a single one throwing feces or mauling a tourist. Lame.

Red Tornado is an android but one time he became a human and then Solomon Grundy ate his hand. True story.

Don't let their pirate-like ways fool you, they're actually Swedish.

Ironically, "cat" is the only option available to me through my current medical plan. I need a hero.

It's revisionist shit like this that makes me regret ever naming my dog "Leia."

The best laid plans of mice and men and Marty Simmons, the small man in the headband who wanted nothing but Doritos. It's not fair. Nope.

Kicking A Dead Horse Productions presents: Matrix Babies. Rated R.

The triumphant return of excessive gore!

This alligator just managed to put on a jacket and he's so proud, but no, all you can do is stare at his raging hard-on. You make me sick.