King of Crayons

Judas could talk the robes off a wiseman in under 30 seconds. No joke.

2011-12-30T21:21:00.000-08:00

More like, "psycho bitch" bug.

2011-11-16T13:05:00.001-08:00

2011-11-11T10:48:00.000-08:00

2011-11-09T11:32:00.000-08:00

It's funny because he's a king.

2011-11-06T22:53:00.000-08:00

2011-10-24T10:32:00.000-07:00

He may be an actual goblin, but that's so not his actual skin color...

2011-10-17T10:31:00.000-07:00

2011-10-14T09:48:00.001-07:00

2011-10-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

I never said it'd be the best zany madcappery!

2011-10-10T16:21:00.000-07:00

2011-10-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Loyal Subjects,

Your esteemed monarch has been relocating his kingdom the past week and a half. Expect the flow of zany madcappery to resume on Monday. Thanks for your patience!

I'm Still Alive,
King-o-Crayons

I'm just going to say it. I am pro-dinosaur abuse.

2011-09-23T05:53:00.000-07:00

Living proof that guns do, in fact, solve most problems.

2011-09-21T08:29:00.000-07:00

Semi-accurate Jesus skin tone provided by: Logic!

2011-09-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

I'll be honest, this one takes a bit of thinking.

2011-09-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

Real subtle.

2011-09-02T11:29:00.000-07:00

How sharp is an X-acto knife? Let's journey to the center of the Earth and ask one John Q. Golem.

2011-08-30T09:44:00.000-07:00

2011-08-26T09:56:00.000-07:00

Revisionist history done correctly.

2011-08-19T07:48:00.000-07:00

Leonard "Hangnails" Crothers, was oft known to shout his battle cry during such mundane actions as shopping for life insurance.

2011-08-17T10:52:00.000-07:00

No matter how badass you thought Darth Vader was, you still gotta remember it's that Christensen guy in there...

2011-08-15T09:30:00.000-07:00

I mean, have you had a honeydew lately? They're much too succulent to be shared with street (log) urchins.

2011-08-11T14:19:00.000-07:00

I mean, with all the recent bizzare Hulk-activity, does this even come as a surprise?

2011-04-21T08:26:00.001-07:00

This is a special gas that makes Hulk's leg disappear below the knee. Seriously, what's up with that?

2011-03-24T08:56:00.000-07:00

To be fair, this...um, "guy" did take the handicap spot Hulk was going to park in.

2011-03-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

Darth Vader loves Fridays.

2011-03-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

Hulk now has to play with us via skype, as my mom won't let him in her basement anymore. Lame.

2011-03-15T13:12:00.001-07:00

In the 19 years between episodes 3 and 4, Ewan McGregor now needs frequent naps and can't drive land speeders at night.

2011-03-11T10:04:00.000-08:00

And don't even get me started on that Mark Ruffalo...what a dreamboat!

2011-03-09T09:08:00.000-08:00

The tactic was to incapacitate the enemy with wanton jealousy. Thank god for female Jedi.

2011-02-28T08:47:00.000-08:00

The current run of "comics" I'll be posting consist of Star Wars and The Hulk. This is a Hulk one if you're keeping score.

2011-02-23T13:49:00.000-08:00

Where did you dig up that old fossil?

2011-02-21T13:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's hard to be a gamma-irradiated sex symbol.

2011-02-18T20:06:00.000-08:00

How do you spell "fail?" Oh wait, nevermind.

2011-02-14T13:29:00.000-08:00

Vegetarian tigers do not last long in the wild, mostly due to massive idiocy.

2011-01-17T09:25:00.000-08:00

Don't feel too bad, this rabbit's feet can now be purchased in key-chain form.

2011-01-11T09:14:00.000-08:00

In this exciting Elseworlds tale, Clark Kent is merely a fiend. Did we say exciting? We meant depressing.

2011-01-07T10:36:00.000-08:00

The Leader is so smart, he wouldn't even need a calculator to do his own tax return. But he still opts for the friendly folks at H&R Block.

2010-12-17T09:12:00.000-08:00

Butterflies: Nature's Assholes.

2010-12-13T20:17:00.000-08:00

Everyone does it, super villains and women included.

2010-12-08T10:15:00.000-08:00

Insert joke involving the word "pecker" here!!

2010-12-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

Let's just assume the muffin is on his head...

2010-12-01T19:43:00.000-08:00

To those of you who've hung in there, my thanks! Now tell the others that I'm back...in black, or something.

2010-11-29T10:43:00.000-08:00

Plague!!

2010-11-04T13:59:00.001-07:00

Well, your royal highness has finally paid the price for his constant refusal to update his anti-virus software and as a result his ability to update regularly is all but gone (but damn it, I don't have a lot of ducats!) So until my alchemists have figured out how to restore my gilded information box, there's not really going to be many updates. Hopefully they'll have things figured out soon enough. Rest assured though, your lord of wax is dilligently working on new creations to keep you entertained at work while the kingdom suffers through this crisis. Stay strong, my masses.

King of Crayons

Everyone thought having a wizard in the gang was a great idea, but Garnoff's "gun out of nowhere" spell was too slow for the Blood's mac 10's.

2010-10-14T13:02:00.000-07:00

(Applause)

2010-10-11T21:55:00.000-07:00

I love it when animals get amorphous hooves that can form fingers. I bet it's a lot harder to clean teeth with a block of keratin for a hand.

2010-10-07T09:31:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've made things NSFW enough around here as of late. Blam!

2010-09-29T09:54:00.000-07:00

Sarah McLachlan and David Duchovny have agreed to three rounds of bare knuckle boxing. Winner gets to keep this thing.

2010-09-27T12:02:00.000-07:00

In a misguided effort to find a healthier alternative to cookies, things took a turn for the grisly.

2010-09-23T12:38:00.000-07:00

The blue ranger does card tricks, yellow is master of the singing saw, and the black ranger...well, that's kinda racist.

2010-09-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

They all thought Safety Helmet Bear was a fool. Had they not skinned him for the handsome rug by the hearth, he'd be laughing his ass off.

2010-09-13T12:04:00.000-07:00

Of course, the cowboy will have to overcome his hemorrhoid flare up if he wishes to enjoy this red snapper.

2010-09-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

And then came the great fire, and prom was canceled...permanently.

2010-09-07T19:37:00.000-07:00

This squirrel is legally obligated to go tree to tree, letting neighbors know it's a fiend.

2010-09-02T09:48:00.000-07:00

What's more bizarre? The concept of numbers gone wild, or the fact these alligators need boats?

2010-08-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all the loyal subjects who helped with the great scanner hunt. Now, reap yer rewards!!

2010-08-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

A Lordly Challenge.

2010-08-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Subjects,

Guide me to a modestly-priced scanner/printer located in the realm of internet and I shall reward ye with...pictures. Beautiful pictures, each one more silly than the last. But I'm looking for PEASANT prices here people. Pauper even. I'm not the lavish kind of king, the crown's made of plastic for chrissake.

XOXO
King of Crayons

A friend once said that the same area of the brain that recognizes violence is also the same part that recognizes humor. He's dead now.

2010-08-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

Speaking of immaturity...

2010-08-10T17:15:00.000-07:00

A less mature, third grade King of Crayons would have went for a "crabs" joke. I miss that 'lil guy sometimes.

2010-08-08T20:32:00.000-07:00

Also, was anyone at Gen Con this weekend? Several people have suggested I should have attended as the King as opposed to a "steampunk" Ghostbuster. I like Ghostbusters.

"What's up Doc?" "Huh? I'm not a doctor." "What?" "I'm gonna eat the fuck outta those carrots."

2010-07-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

I, for one, am glad they're gender-less.

2010-07-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

His skeleton is really a creation of satan, placed here to test our faith. I guess the rest of him is real enough alright.

2010-06-28T20:21:00.000-07:00

I dunno, enjoying a beautiful summer's afternoon in the company of friends? Seems like a good way to die to me.

2010-06-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

Ancient man was known to craft tools from wood. This wrench was made for 1/4 wooden hex nuts. No wonder ancient cars were always breaking down.

2010-06-21T11:32:00.000-07:00

Evil will (almost) never see them coming!!

2010-06-16T12:06:00.001-07:00

This is only the begining...

2010-06-15T17:32:00.000-07:00

Stats say thousands of bear cubs are exposed to hardcore bear pornography yearly. I'm talking picnic basket insertions and amateur bee jobs. It's sad.

2010-06-10T08:41:00.000-07:00

People forget he also shoots real arrows. Real arrows that actually rend flesh and break bone...and have those hooks that flip out once they're in.

2010-06-08T14:24:00.000-07:00

While the placenta was worth a king's ransom in Pirate-Times-World, the umbilical cord was also known to fetch quite a few ducats. No joke.

2010-06-07T13:48:00.000-07:00

Good Lord!

2010-06-02T07:53:00.000-07:00

It appears as though your lofty lord has forgotten to let his subjects know that he is currently vacationing in a far-off land. I shall return the 6th, with all-new content. I hope to see you then!

XOXO
King-o-Crayons

The really sad part is now he works as the fry cook at McDonalds.

2010-05-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

World's Finest. . .Douchebags.

2010-05-13T12:09:00.000-07:00

I got to use my neon crayons and all you got was this lousy picture. What a lousy t-shirt.

2010-05-11T17:59:00.000-07:00

Prior safe words include: Happiness, sunshine, rainbow, kittens, world peace, and Richard Dean Anderson.

2010-05-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

Back then, they didn't have the portable nuclear accelerators we have today. This more cumbersome corn-powered model had to do.

2010-05-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

In the age-old "Pirates vs. Ninjas" feud, I prefer the independent third party: "Vikings."

2010-05-06T16:23:00.000-07:00

I mean, who the hell gives a cat to an emotionally disturbed bear in the first place?

2010-05-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

He also cured the book's numb back cover by simply having it talk its problems out with him. I think he called the process "Reading."

2010-04-26T12:24:00.000-07:00

A whole book of gorillas, and not a single one throwing feces or mauling a tourist. Lame.

2010-04-22T13:35:00.000-07:00

Red Tornado is an android but one time he became a human and then Solomon Grundy ate his hand. True story.

2010-04-19T16:03:00.000-07:00

Don't let their pirate-like ways fool you, they're actually Swedish.

2010-04-17T12:33:00.000-07:00

Ironically, "cat" is the only option available to me through my current medical plan. I need a hero.

2010-04-14T15:11:00.000-07:00

It's revisionist shit like this that makes me regret ever naming my dog "Leia."

2010-04-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

The best laid plans of mice and men and Marty Simmons, the small man in the headband who wanted nothing but Doritos. It's not fair. Nope.

2010-04-07T15:05:00.000-07:00

Kicking A Dead Horse Productions presents: Matrix Babies. Rated R.

2010-04-06T17:44:00.000-07:00

The triumphant return of excessive gore!

2010-04-05T13:48:00.001-07:00

This alligator just managed to put on a jacket and he's so proud, but no, all you can do is stare at his raging hard-on. You make me sick.

2010-03-31T14:02:00.000-07:00

Once again, a lack of sobriety brings you this image.

2010-03-30T13:22:00.000-07:00

As you can see, it takes a keen eye to spot the subtle differences between the rare Ass Tree and the much more common Ballsack Birch.

2010-03-29T12:25:00.000-07:00

If you thought your image of Tarzman was shattered before...

2010-03-26T12:40:00.001-07:00

Archaeologists find new species of dinosaur, Paedophilia Rex.

2010-03-24T23:16:00.000-07:00

Batman's parents were murdered in front of him, and now he's lost in time, let the man throw one damn baby will ya?

2010-03-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

And a very special thanks to Snoosan for sending me this coloring book!!

I like the book better, Jack was much less overweight, and a helluva better dancer.

2010-03-22T11:37:00.001-07:00

New pages for Monday!?

2010-03-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

Yep. Actual facebook page content coming soon-ish! Here's something from the "Non Funnies" to hold you over! Enjoy(?)!

XOXO
King of Crayons

It would have been funnier if the ape was holding an atomic warhead...

2010-03-15T19:07:00.000-07:00

"Hit 'N Run Mouse," was a short-lived children's animated series cancelled due to copyright infringement involving CBS's "Vehicular Homicide Vole."

2010-03-12T19:07:00.000-08:00

I guess this makes up for the poo-free nature of the last ape-themed post. Also, Scatman Crothers.

2010-03-11T23:18:00.000-08:00

Unlike Hale-Bopp, Halley's Comet never promised anyone anything. In fact, it's always been somewhat rebelious in nature, and kind of an asshole.

2010-03-09T11:27:00.000-08:00